Who Am I Now? Navigating the Identity Shift of New Parenthood

By Lisa Giles Registered Psychotherapist

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had a clear picture of who I wanted to be as a mother. I imagined new parenthood as effortless, full of intense love and connection, and trust in myself. I envisioned feeling transformed. Instead, I found myself struggling to bond with my baby, questioning my decisions, and not recognizing who I saw in the mirror. Even after addressing my mental health struggles postpartum, I was left with a big question: Who am I now?

The term matrescence, first coined by Dana Raphael and popularized by perinatal psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks, refers to the process of transformation that occurs when you have a child: it’s like adolescence but for birthing mothers. For many, this transitional period involves a sense of ambivalence, a disconnect between reality and what you had imagined, guilt for not doing or being enough, and a sense of uncertainty. This process unfolds alongside intense physical and hormonal changes and shifting relationships. It’s no wonder that many new parents struggle to recognize themselves.

The longstanding truths you held about yourself, your priorities, and your relationships may be called into question: can I still call myself an athlete if I haven’t exercised in months? Am I still a good friend if I leave texts unanswered for days? Am I still easygoing if I panic every time my baby cries in the night? Perhaps even more unsettling are the doubts that creep in about your new identity as a parent: am I still a good mom if breastfeeding doesn’t work out? Am I still a good dad if my baby wakes constantly through the night? Am I still a good parent if I miss my old life?

Amid all of these questions, you have to make choices every day about how to allocate your time. It can feel like a constant struggle to find the right balance of caring for your baby and other family members, caring for yourself, connecting with your partner, nurturing friendships, engaging in hobbies, keeping up with the news and latest shows and movies, and on and on. Many people feel that their only identity is as “mom” or “dad”, especially in the early days.

So: what can you do?

Normalize Your Experience

It can be comforting to remind yourself that every new parent faces these complex feelings of loss, confusion, and doubt to some degree. In my therapy office, I’ve heard the words “I don’t know who I am anymore” many times. Some people find it helpful to remind themselves that there is a strong biological basis for this shift: birthing a child triggers one of the most significant neurological reorganizations of adult life. Framing this experience for yourself as a normal developmental transition rather than a crisis can help you move through it more smoothly.

Use “And” Instead of “But”

Many new parents feel pressured (by others or from within themselves) to be grateful for what they have and only share the positives. Remember that acknowledging the difficult parts of new parenthood does not take away from the amazing parts. Replacing the word “but” with the word “and” can help you reframe your experience. For example, “I love my baby but I miss having control over my own time” becomes “I love my baby AND I miss having control over my own time”. It’s a subtle change, but allowing two truths to exist at the same time can lessen the guilt you may feel about acknowledging the hard parts.

Find Your People

Having at least one person who will see and accept you as you are in early parenthood makes a world of difference. Hearing the words “I’ve been there too” can be incredibly impactful and can diminish the shame and grief many new parents experience when struggling. The relationships in your life will naturally shift at this stage, so be open to finding connection with people you may not have expected to. A 5 minute honest conversation with a mom you just met at the park can be far more supportive than a visit from a judgmental family member who “wants to help”. In general, we know that new parents cope far better when they have real, validating support from others through the early years of parenthood.

Build Your New Normal

There is considerable focus in early parenthood on “getting back to normal”: getting your body to “bounce back”, feeling like your old self again, restarting date nights with your partner, or hurrying to get back to your career. The problem with this is that now that you have a baby, there is no going back to normal. Fighting against the natural change in your identity and your priorities only serves to create frustration and resentment. Instead, focus on building a new normal. Consider which aspects of your old life you want to integrate into your new life with a baby, and how you might do this sustainably. For example, if you used to go out with friends every Friday night but now prioritize putting your baby to sleep, you can try rescheduling with friends or gradually shifting some of the bedtime responsibilities to your partner. It will take time to figure out the adjustments, multitasking, and planning required to fit some things in, so be kind to yourself in this process.

Connect With Yourself

The daily routine of feedings, diaper changes, naps, and housework can be all-consuming sometimes, and many new parents forget to build in time to consciously check in and connect with themselves. This doesn’t have to be hours away from your child, but can be as simple as taking three deep breaths while your baby naps, journaling for five minutes during a feeding session, or tuning into your thoughts and feelings while on a stroller walk. These brief reconnections with yourself serve as anchors, reminding you that beneath the constant caregiving, you’re still there. Doing this will also ensure that you notice when you’re starting to struggle, so you can be proactive with making changes and asking for support.

As a final reminder, be gentle with yourself as you navigate this profound transformation. There is no set timeline for feeling comfortable with who you are as a new parent. Remember that defining your identity is a lifelong process, and what matters isn’t perfection but rather presence and compassion for yourself through it all. Be open to the transformation: both in acknowledging what you’ve left behind and looking forward to seeing your amazing strengths and qualities that parenthood will draw out.

Want More On This Topic?

If you are interested in doing more focused reflection on identity and parenthood, please join me, Lisa Giles, at my upcoming workshop “In The Thick of It” at Blueberry Therapy. Through thoughtful, interactive activities and guided reflection, we'll navigate the expectations, challenges, and transformations of early parenthood together.

What to expect:

●        Practical and engaging activities that spark reflection and connection.

●        Low-pressure, judgment-free environment offering the chance to share openly or keep your experiences private.

●        Realistic strategies to improve your mental health and reclaim your identity in the perinatal period.

●        A chance to connect with other parents at the same stage.

Leave with a personalized workbook full of resources, affirmations, and prompts for continued reflection.

Thursday, May 22 | 10:00-11:30am | The Blueberry Nest | $20 per person

Babies and toddlers are welcome to join, we will have space set aside for them to play and change tables and quiet rooms to feed available for use. Proceeds from this workshop will be donated to Flora's Walk for Perinatal Mental Health.

Space is limited – register today!

I also offer individual psychotherapy appointments at Blueberry Therapy in-person and online. As a practicing psychotherapist with 10 years of experience and specialized training in perinatal mental health, I am passionate about supporting people through the perinatal period with compassion and evidence-based methods. You can learn more about me by reading my bio, or book a free 15 minute discovery call to learn more about my services.